Eddie Vedder is having a hard time accepting Chris Cornell‘s passing.

At a show in London on Tuesday, the Pearl Jam frontman got real about his grief following the tragic suicide of his close friend and former bandmate.

According to a transcript of the speech shared on a Pearl Jam message board, the rock star admitted he was having trouble processing the loss of someone he looked up to like an older brother.

Related: Chris’s Widow ‘Devastated’ Following Autopsy Report

In case you don’t know, Vedder and Cornell had been friends for decades. The two played together in supergroup Temple of the Dog since the band’s inception in 1990.

Though Vedder said his love for the Soundgarden frontman would never run out, he admitted it will take some time for him to fully process the reality of the devastating situation.

He said at Tuesday’s concert:

“I lost my brother two years ago tragically like that in an accident and after that, and losing a few other people, I’m not good at it, meaning I’m not…I have not been willing to accept the reality and that’s just how I’m dealing with it.”

The 52-year-old musician seemingly paid tribute to Cornell at a Saturday concert, where he changed the lyrics of Pearl Jam’s Long Road from “But still / Something’s missing” to “Without you / Something is missing”.

Photo: Chris’s Brother Shares Photos Of ‘The First And Last Time We Were Together’

But on Tuesday, Vedder explained it might take a while for him to pay the tribute Cornell deserves, continuing:

“I want to be there for the family, be there for the community, be there for my brothers in my band, certainly the brothers in his band. But these things will take time, but my friend is going to be gone forever.”

So heartbreaking.

Read the transcript of Eddie’s full speech (below).

“Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate these days. I was thinking about the history of this building and the Bowie history. So I started to think about that and my mind began to wander. It’s not a good…

So I haven’t really been talking about some things and I kind of… now it feels like it’s conspicuous because I lost a really close friend of mine, somebody who…[Applause]

I’ll say this too, I grew up as four boys, four brothers, and I lost my brother two years ago tragically like that in an accident and after that, and losing a few other people, I’m not good at it, meaning I’m not…I have not been willing to accept the reality and that’s just how I’m dealing with it. [Applause starts] No, no, no, no.

So I want to be there for the family, be there for the community, be there for my brothers in my band, certainly the brothers in his band. But these things will take time, but my friend is going to be gone forever, and I will just have to…

These things take time and I just want to send this out to everyone who was affected by it and they all back home and here appreciate it so deeply — the support and the good thoughts of a man who was a…you know, he wasn’t just a friend, he was someone I looked up to like my older brother.

About two days after the news, I think it was the second night we were sleeping in this little cabin near the water, a place he would’ve loved. And all these memories started coming in about 1:30 a.m. like woke me up. Like big memories, memories I would think about all the time. Like the memories were big muscles.

And then I couldn’t stop the memories. And trying to sleep, it was like if the neighbors had the music playing and you couldn’t stop it. But then it was fine because then it got into little memories. It just kept going and going and going. And I realized how lucky I was to have hours worth of…you know, if each of these memories was quick and I had hours of them, how fortunate was I?! And I didn’t want to be sad, wanted to be grateful, not sad. I’m still thinking about those memories and I will live with those memories in my heart and I will…love him forever. [Applause and standing ovation]”

[Image via KIKA/Jaime Espinoza/WENN.]

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